


you live in the back of my throat

by revengeavenue



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7857724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revengeavenue/pseuds/revengeavenue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke hardly said goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you live in the back of my throat

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on my wattpad over two years ago. this was one of the first fanfics i've ever written!

Ashton stood and inhaled the chilled air in front of where Luke was resting. He wasn't asleep; he was gone, and he wouldn't be coming back. His cheeks were stained with guilt, though he blinked back the silent tears that threatened to fall. He couldn't let himself cry anymore.

He knelt down on the fresh grave. His knees were incredibly weak from many sleepless nights and his lack of meals. Ashton always told everyone that he couldn't live without Luke, who's heart was no longer beating. It seemed that some things are just destined to go horribly wrong.

Luke always told Ashton not to worry, saying that he'd be okay. Somehow, Ashton believed the words Luke wished he could have meant. Deep down, he knew that something was not quite right. He kept quiet, despite his suspicions. But, when the look in Luke's eyes became increasingly haunting, that's when Ashton concluded that something definitely was not right. He made his conclusion too late.

Ashton woke up and felt drained, with a choking emptiness hanging over his head. He flipped over in bed, and quickly realized that Luke's warm body wasn't there anymore. He guessed that Luke just went to the bathroom. He made his way down the stairs, not making a sound. The only sound he could hear was the ringing in his ears and the ticking of a clock on the wall.

Ashton rounded the corner and saw Luke at last. The bathroom door was wide open, and he caught a glimpse of the blood all over the floor. He rushed to the scene, but it was too late: Luke was lifeless.

A bottle of blue pills lay by his feet, spilled among the blood. A blade remained inches away from the bottle. Ashton sank to his knees in horror, getting blood on his pajama pants and smearing the pool of it on the floor. He didn't care, it didn't matter. Luke was gone.

Tears filled his hazel eyes rapidly as his hand lingered over Luke's blonde hair. His other hand covered his mouth to muffle his sobs. The air was barely making it to his lungs, and it felt as if it would never return. Ashton felt his heartbeat quicken more and more by the second, quite like two years ago when their hands brushed for the first time, but this time, Luke wasn't alive.

Tears began to drip off Ashton's chin, mixing with the blood on the floor. He saw that it was coming from the slashes in Luke's arms. They were deep, and horrifying for Ashton to look at. He wanted nothing more than for Luke's voice to fill his ears again. It was the sweetest sound that he would never hear again. Ashton's whole body was trembling from the shock that spread through his veins with each and every erratic beat of his heart.

He saw something sticking out of Luke's pocket. It appeared to be a piece of paper, a suicide note. He reached for it, unfolding it to reveal scribbly handwriting and bloody fingerprints on the edges.

Trembling, Ashton read his lover's last words:

"Please don't take this out on yourself, Ashton. I couldn't be fixed, no matter what. This life has dragged me through the mud. Perhaps I was just born with an awful brain, I don't really know. I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of it all. I didn't ask for any of this. I wish I was never born. Tell my mother not to blame herself, she didn't know what I would be like.

I don't know where I'll end up, but I'm hoping I'll see you again someday. You made this terrible ride of mine better than it should have been. I love you, and please don't ever forget that. Tell everyone else I love them, too."

He looked back up at Luke; it was getting difficult to look at him at all. Ashton opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't get Luke's name off his tongue. He couldn't get a single word to come out at all. It wasn't easy, but he shakily stood up, and ran to the phone.

A week later, Ashton found himself stood in front of the cold stone engraved with the name that used to make his heart drop. Now, it was making it drop in an entirely new way.

He dug around in his coat pocket and pulled out the bloody paper he hadn't let go of for the past week. He read the words Luke left for him repeatedly, spending each waking moment memorizing the way the words were written.

Ashton finally obtained the strength to respond back. He screamed out, "you'll always live in the back of my fucking throat, I can't fucking get you out!"

After his voice cracked on the last word, adrenaline flooded his veins. He felt it everywhere: white hot and so urgent.

Ashton ran to the bridge where he and Luke used to walk on and talk for hours. His body was collapsing in on itself, but the adrenaline was keeping him from hitting the ground. He sat on the edge of the railing, dangling his feet over the freezing water.

He filled his lungs with cold air one last time before launching himself down, and into the cold, unforgiving water.


End file.
